So this continues on what I wrote in my last post, and I want to talk more about the importance of boundaries and boundary work. It’s an area in our lives that I think we will always come back to time and time again, as we learn more of what our own needs and limits are with other people, and refining and redefining those limits with those in our life. In my own life, there has been an ongoing metamorphosis in how I go about relationships and the boundaries I have. It’s an area I keep coming back to as I learn more and more about what I really need and want, and what I really am 100% over and done accepting in my own life.

On one hand it is very exciting and liberating to take back this type of power and remain firm in one’s boundaries. It’s such a supreme act of self-love. But on the other hand, I won’t deny that it can also be extremely challenging and hard, especially when forming new boundaries with those closest to you, whether it is family, friends, or a significant other, they may not see it in a positive way, leading to tensions, sometimes even arguments, as they may fight for you to remain in the cycles and patterns that have already been established.

When those around us can’t understand, support, or work with us in the ways we hope when it comes to our boundaries, it’s understandable that we may at times falter, we may give in to old patterns, we may let boundaries slip here and there, and when this happens we may be hard on ourselves; feelings of sadness, guilt, shame, feeling as though we are weak, or any other type of way may be felt when, for any reason a boundary is broken.

When it comes to boundary work, especially if you are someone who has had poor boundaries most of your life, instead of being down on yourself when this happens, learn to reframe your thinking and realize how proud you should be with how far you have come, and know that by having the awareness and strength to take the next steps in ditching poor relational habits, you are now welcoming in healthy, balanced, and stronger connections and relationships into your life!

When we aren’t taught or modeled appropriate boundaries growing up, or if within your family dynamics there is codependency, enmeshment, and other forms of dysfunction, it can be extremely difficult once you reach adulthood to work through all of this. It may take you years to even fully realize how unhealthy the patterns are that you learned or the ways which you function in relation to others is. That’s not your fault. And relearning healthier habits and relating to others takes time and a whole lot of effort. Stumbling and falling back into old habits and patterns is I think just a necessary part of growing into your healthier self. It may feel awful when it happens, but at the same time, that feeling can be a great motivator, because you realize, “Wow, I really hate feeling this way.”

Our discomfort becomes a catalyst and also a marker of how far we’ve come, and how we also are no longer willing to play a role in a toxic, dysfunctional, and imbalanced narrative.

Solstice Holistic

Boundaries come in all shapes and sizes, and each of us are unique in where we will draw our lines. When we think about boundaries though, there are core things which we all need to consider;

• Our physical limitations; this can be anything from our personal space, allowing or not allowing of others to touch us in any way, to even restricting our limits on physical tasks and this could be seen more likely in job scenarios, such as, not endangering one’s self for the sake of a job.
• Our emotional limitations; not taking on others’ emotional burdens aka enmeshment, emotional dumping, knowing the line between how you feel and how others feel, knowing your own emotional capacities so that you don’t become overwhelmed or burnt out, also expressing and clearly communicating our own emotional needs and limits.
• Our mental limitations; not taking on more work than we can handle, having healthy outlets for stress, so that it doesn’t lead to issues such as anxiety, overthinking, burnout, or depression. Our mental limitations can also be effected by other areas of our lives, so if our emotional boundaries or needs aren’t being taken care of, mentally we will feel it and this has a snowball effect on our overall health.
• Our environmental limitations; if you don’t feel safe or comfortable somewhere, why go there? If you have friends who maybe enjoy going out to clubs every weekend, but that isn’t your thing, suggest doing something else. We can’t always control certain environments or situations, but knowing our limits and saying no when we feel unsafe or uncomfortable is a powerful move.
• Our spiritual limitations; this area of boundaries may not be one we often consider, but the types of thoughts, beliefs, and energy we entertain, whether it is coming from those outside of us or internally, can have huge repercussions on our overall wellbeing. I think the best example of this type I can give is having a “friend” who may be constantly jealous of you, makes passive aggressive statements, and while to your face says they support you or care, energetically thats not what you’re picking up, but rather their behaviors and actions suggest that they’re actually rooting against you. This to me is the same as spiritual attack, they may not be breaking boundaries in the sense of physical or even mental or emotional, but they are sending bad energy your way and whether you’re aware of it or not, this can effect you. It also can turn into any of the above categories, such as if you confront them and they deny what you are seeing or feeling, they are now gaslighting you and therefore breaking a massive boundary towards your emotional and mental health.

So what is the first step when you realize that you have poor boundaries or that you need to just work on them more? First, it’s important to really take the time to reflect on where your boundaries currently stand, and then think of any times in which you have felt your boundaries crossed. What areas of your life are you not assertive? Where do you play small or let things slide because you don’t want to cause any trouble or inconvenience? Who is it that after you interact with them, you tend to always feel so drained and unhappy?

Pay attention to how you feel.

Your body will give you endless cues to how it is feeling in every type of environment. Do you feel safe? Do you feel at peace? Or do you feel off, tense, anxious, drained, angry? Our bodies can pick up much more information than what we are made to believe. I feel it’s so important to learn how to understand your own body’s language and become in touch with your own intuition, because once you do, boundary work becomes significantly easier and your own energy stronger.

Solstice Holistic

Once you have come to a deeper understanding of yourself and where your boundaries need work, you can now start implementing it into your life. This is going to feel super awkward and uncomfortable at first, because it’s not something you’re used to doing. I can say personally, that when I started taking my boundaries seriously and having to step up and enforce them in my daily life, it was hard for me. Inside I would feel nervous and anxious, because of the uncertainty of how those in my life would respond. Would they be angry? Would they respect what I am saying? Are they going to leave my life or distance themselves because of my boundaries?

The thing is, is you never know how another person is going to take where you stand with yourself, they may be completely understanding, realize where they were overstepping, apologize, and boom you have a healthier and happier relationship, or sometimes, you learn that the person knew what they were doing, taking advantage of your poor boundaries and now that you’re aware, they will back off or try to get you to betray yourself to fit their needs. When this happens, as hard as it can be, walking away from these types of dynamics is the best choice you can make for yourself.

One of the best things you learn when doing boundary work, aside from realizing the inner strength, wisdom, and power that you have over your own life and what you allow in it, is that there are so many people who are willing, ready, and excited to be a part of your life and respect you for who you are! Coming out the other side of poor boundaries, codependency, and enmeshment can bring up so many things. Realizing that there are people who genuinely care and aren’t attaching to you based off of their own needs and what they can take from you is not only refreshing, but healing.

Through consistent effort, practice, and inner work, you can strengthen your boundaries and in doing this strengthen the relationships you have in your life, most importantly starting with yourself. Those meant to have a place in your life will respect you and your needs. For those that don’t or have trouble in maintaining appropriate boundaries, well, that’s again another choice in boundaries, and how close or far you feel you need from those people in your life. Sometimes walking away is the only choice we have, other times, keeping a certain amount of space and distance is enough. At the end of the day, your inner peace and wellbeing is what is most important. Become clear and strong where you stand, and those meant to stand beside you, will.