Happy Saturday!

It’s finally starting to warm up here and that Spring feeling is in the air and I’m absolutely loving it! I can really feel the difference in my own energy levels and mood pretty instantly once we start getting daylight longer and the Sun starts giving warmth again. One of my favorite feelings for sure!

I’m very excited for the coming months not only because the weather gets nicer and hotter (bring on the heat!), but I also will be officially starting Graduate School! I was recently accepted into a Master’s program for Behavior Analysis and I am so excited and grateful to start this journey! I’ve worked in behavioral health for over a year and it’s been one of the most fulfilling and rewarding jobs I’ve experienced. Prior to my experiences in teaching and working in Applied Behavioral Analysis, I always imagined I would go towards the route of therapy; continuing my pursuits within psychology (I hold my B.S. in psychology and human development). However, seeing the impacts and helping the children and families that I work with now, I don’t think there’s a better feeling than that. And so I decided to pursue my Master’s to become a Licensed and Board Certified Behavior Analyst, I’m both excited and nervous as I start this new journey and begin the balancing act of work, life, and school again!

All these big changes I’ve had in my life recently, have come so quickly, and at times I stop and reflect on it all, on how I got here, all the choices I made; good and bad, all the personal struggles I’ve gone through, and overall I have to just say that I am very grateful. There was a point in my life where I would’ve had trouble believing I’d even be where I currently am, it just didn’t seem possible, for many reasons. But, I never gave up, I held on to the hopes, dreams, and visions I had of what I wanted my life to be, where I wanted to go, and somehow, someway, I have made my way there, by no easy means but this is why I stop constantly and appreciate everything in my life, because I know damn well how hard it was, how impossible it seemed to even attain. I feel silly even saying this, because my life is honestly pretty simple, it’s the very basic things I am grateful for, and I feel it could be misconstrued, as though I am living some luxurious life, when for me, it comes down to; having my health, a purpose/drive/something fulfilling that I work towards each day, and those that I love in my life, and sunlight/good weather (lol).

But, I only truly appreciate these things because there were so many years where I was without a lot of this. Mostly, my health, as I’ve written about in prior posts. For almost all of my twenties I was so sick and in so much pain, trying to do the most basic things and function in a normal way was impossible most of the time and part of me felt ashamed and would even try to hide this from others, especially when you are told repeatedly by doctors that you’re “healthy”, since all the tests they run come back fine, and when all they want to suggest is medications or surgery. It was an extremely isolating time in my life, and it wasn’t just the health issues I faced but so many different areas of my life that were seemingly falling apart at the same time. At times it did feel like a never ending cycle, something I wouldn’t break out of, but I knew that if I didn’t keep fighting, pushing, and trying to heal and rise above these things, that it would kill me, maybe not literally, or maybe so, but at a soul level it would and I could never accept that.

We all have our personal battles, experiences that maybe we don’t talk about or share, or we want to but maybe we feel that others won’t understand, or that we don’t even know how to express in words such moments or feelings. We all have this at some point or many points in our lives; I try to share and be open about mine because, I know that for me, having to go through as much as I did so early in life (my twenties were hard, but I had so much happening even through my adolescence), I had always wished that I had guidance, support, understanding, just anything…but I didn’t, I pulled myself through many things alone, I had to purge and process and rip out the demons that grasped for my life and soul, alone.

And maybe that’s just how it is, maybe when it comes to those dark moments in life, we have to go it alone…maybe it’s through this experience where we find our hidden strength, our resilience, and our purpose.

Some call this a dark night of the soul or shadow work, which it is, but if you’re new to these concepts, or even if you’re not, what I think can be misunderstood is that once you go through this type of experience, that that’s it. You’ve healed. The reality is you’ll probably experience this at least a few times in life, and shadow work is an ongoing process, as you work to bring to light all of your own subconscious, unconscious thoughts, beliefs, patterns, and to integrate them into healthier and conscious ways. It’s learning to become aware of your own inner saboteur, your inner critic, the inner workings of your own traumas, whether personally experienced or generational, and finding the strength to take them on, to process and understand them, to heal, integrate, and release what no longer serves you or is unhealthy for you.

I just know that once you take on these things, once you become aware and experience it, life isn’t the same. You won’t see life the same, and you will find a new sense of peace, appreciation, and love for many things and yourself. At least that’s what I’ve come to experience from these moments.

It doesn’t matter where you are on your journey, you should always be proud of where you are, because at any point, I think it’s safe to say that we are all doing our best, given the knowledge and experiences we have. Even when we are ‘messing up‘, maybe doing something that we know isn’t in our best interest, ultimately, there is a lesson in there, there is something to be learned and gained if we approach it with the right mindset and perspective. Sometimes we need to do stupid shit to realize, oh yeah, that was beyond dumb and I definitely don’t want to do that or feel that again. I don’t really believe that we are meant to go through life pain free, and in some perfectly pure and clean way, I don’t think that is realistic or even healthy.

Pain and discomfort is the best way of learning and growing.

Nothing is going to teach you faster or show you more clearly than a good dose of experiencing something highly uncomfortable and/or painful. When I say this, I don’t mean to the extreme end of something traumatic either, even though we ‘learn‘ in these experiences as well, it is usually more of a detriment and leads to a process of having to unlearn and heal the trauma.

When I say pain and discomfort is a great way of learning, I mean in their more natural states; the pain of moving away from your home and family, the discomfort of having to learn to live in a new place, meet new people, or take on new roles. The discomfort of learning any type of new skill, way of thinking or doing things. The pain of losing friendships, relationships, or family, the discomfort of the unknown, the discomfort of realizing our old habits and patterns are keeping us stuck in a place we no longer fit. In these ways, when we are able to be aware of the feelings, emotions, and thoughts we have, when we can lean into these experiences and ask ourselves honestly about them, then we can realize that the pain or discomfort that we may be feeling is in fact there to show us the stagnant ways in which we are still holding on, as well as bringing us to awareness to what is really important to us. To what we truly value and love, what we want more of in life, and what we want less of. Of course it sucks when we are in these moments that are highly uncomfortable or even painful, it is normal and natural to want nothing more than to get out of it, which is why it can be so easy cling to what we ::know:: whether that thing is good for us or bad. But it’s in these moments where we can really see the most growth and learn so much about our own inner workings. For me, that’s always been fascinating, especially in retrospect.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the ways I’ve grown and changed over the years, and it’s definitely crazy to think about because who I was even 5 years ago isn’t the same as who I am now, and something I’ve personally noticed and experienced throughout my life and even in recent times, is that there are those in my life who sometimes don’t know how to take that. There will be those who don’t always understand or even like, when you are changing or growing so rapidly, and it’s nothing to even take personally, it’s that most people once they meet you and get to “know” you, they will create this image and form their beliefs about you, and if you step outside of the construct they’ve made in their mind, well, now you’re just confusing them and for some people that can be too much to handle. Others will adapt and grow with you, will hold space for you, and will love you through all your transformations, and these are your people.

The most important relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself, and when you understand yourself, when you take action to really, deeply work on yourself, to become aware of all aspects, even the ones you don’t like, you will unlock whole other levels to life and to even understanding that which is outside of you. As within, so without. Everything starts with us, and when we can be in tune with ourselves, simultaneously we can then also be in tune with others, nature, the world around us. We can begin to see more clearly how we are all connected, how our own choices ripple out and effect the whole. For me personally, I don’t want to make life any harder or harsher on anyone, I would rather dedicate my time and energy to helping, healing, loving, and sharing. I’d like to live in a world where that’s the reality, not one where suffering, struggle, selfishness, lies, corruption, greed, and trauma is the norm. It’s always up to us the reality we want, it comes down to what we choose, direct our energy towards, and choosing to embody our highest selves and consciousness.