I wish I had it in me right now to write a more upbeat or motivating post, but I’m going to be 100% real with you all, I have been going through it pretty hard this month and it’s come close to beating all hope out of me. I know eventually things are going to balance back out, work out and be ok…they always are, right? However, at the moment, I am feeling very heavy and what works for me is just accepting the feelings, thoughts, and emotions I have, in whatever way it manifests and just sitting with it, as painful, sad, frustrating, and upsetting as it can be.

I woke up this morning to the sound of pouring rain outside, not something you typically experience here in Vegas. In a way it felt comforting; the endless forms of grey clouds in the sky, the sound of the rain falling, the smell of the earth and dirt rising. I made some coffee, sat on my balcony and watched it. It was like a morning meditation except instead of positive affirmations I decided to go tortured poetic soul and brood on my current state and circumstances and form some romantic notion that the pain I’ve been holding inside is like this passing storm in the desert. A barren, dry, unforgiving place, but when the rain falls, it feels like a release and cleanse of these harsh elements. I like to think my pain and tears can work to the same effect.

I don’t want to say much about the things I’ve personally gone through this month, all I will say is that it seemed to be everything all at once, out of nowhere. No way to predict or even prepare for the unfolding of events I’ve had these past few weeks. It’s been hard, and I am probably handling it all better than I think, or maybe not, I don’t know. What I do know is that every plan and idea I had set in motion for my future, for the coming months, has come, for the most part, undone. Everything I have built up over the past year or so has suddenly felt insignificant and insufficient.

It’s the unveiling and sudden crashing and burning of it all that I think has me so disoriented.

Up until this month, my life has been just go, go, go, don’t stop, keep going, keep pushing, I was tunnel-visioning, dead-set on my imagined future, this perfect little image of how it will all look and be once I accomplish 1, 2, and 3. And just like that, boom, you hit a wall. As much as I want to just go, go, go, I have to stop. I have to sit here, and I have to come to terms with the fact that maybe in all my hustle, in all my busyness and in never letting up, staying on this one track mind, maybe what I was running towards wasn’t so much some goal or vision, but maybe I was just running desperately, to something which I thought would bring me some sense of comfort and security in my life. Two things which seem to always evade me.

I don’t think there was anything wrong with the plan and goals I had set in motion, it made sense, it was reasonable, and I think it’s only natural that any of us would work towards and go towards that which feels safe and provides some feeling of comfort and security. The issue is with the fact that in this world, how can we truly define comfort or security? I’m sure each of us has similar yet also very different ideas of what this means. I know that neither are a given, and that you can’t always have them either. Life just doesn’t work that way, there will always be risks, dangers, discomfort and loss. For me, I find it to just be so exhausting because I have already experienced so much loss, discomfort and a general lack of security. Some days I feel it’s a strength, it helps me bounce back quicker and I can handle and survive under pressure and stress that most don’t even comprehend. Other days, like today, it feels like a curse, it feels like this weight that is tied to me while I’m trying to swim, and every time I’m almost above water, it pulls me back under, gasping for air and solid ground.

Sometimes, when you get everything you want, instead of peace, it only brings pain. Because you realize it wasn’t what you really wanted, instead, you thought that it would fill some void inside of you. That it would make up for something which you don’t have. What’s harder than having to face this truth? To face yourself, and to face the fact that you have these wounds, still, that you can’t just deny them, hide them, avoid them, or fill them up. They’ll always be there, waiting for you to face them head on. That the longer you run and hide from them, the deeper they grow, the deeper they twist, and in one way or another they will always bear their ugly head right when you think you’ve quietly won.

Self-sabotage. Subconscious patterns. Trauma.

All that fun stuff. You can’t run from it, you can’t throw yourself into work or relationships or whatever else thinking you will avoid it or it will go away. It’s the shadow you can’t escape. There’s only one way to beat it, and that’s to go through it. To look it in the eyes and face what it is, it is trying to tell you. To listen to that pain, those fears, that part of you that was wounded. And in doing this, eventually to integrate back into yourself. That’s the essence of shadow work, to put simply.

With that said, June has opened me up to realizing some of my own wounds which I am still healing, that I’ve avoided, or even thought I had worked through, to realize, I’ve been running and avoiding and throwing myself into things, in hopes that these things would just work themselves out.

Silly me.

It sucks…anyone who does this work, who prioritizes their own healing and growth, who works endlessly to help others to do the same and to share their light and dark, knows, how absolutely exhausting it can be, especially when you’ve already come so far and then realize how much further you still must go. I know it never ends, I know that this is an eternal process, but sometimes I wish it were easier, I wish my life could be a little more normal and boring, not this constant battle between energies and having to work through so much.

In the end, I think we all want our pain to mean something. For it to have some purpose. I think about this at times, I think of the ways in which it has shaped me, pushed me, and turned me into who I am, but at the same time, I think what if there is no purpose? What if I am only trying to assign such a role in order to live with and give meaning in my own life? What if it’s nothing more than a defense mechanism to avoid some heartbreaking facts of life? To protect myself more than anything? I can get lost in my thoughts pretty fast, I think of all perspectives, perhaps to a detriment at times.

With all that said, what I am learning and hearing through the upheaval of the past month, is that I need to choose myself more. I need to listen deeper to my inner knowing and to accept what it is I hear, even when it’s uncomfortable. I need to stay present, I need to slow down, and I need to be true to myself. I need to find my own way in this world, because the ways of this world will never work for me and will never bring me peace.

I’ve tried playing along, I’ve tried fitting in, and it will never happen. I never did and I never will. I need to take up more space, I need to stand firm, and I need to be unapologetic. I need to be there for myself, before anyone. And I need to care about my needs as much as I care about those of others. This month has been relentless in throwing its punches at me, but in a way, I’m kinda grateful it all fell apart the way it did, it showed me where I was being inauthentic and holding on for the wrong reasons, and it’s shown me where I need to toughen up. Here’s to July being the level up I need.